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3am thoughts

It’s 3am and I’m scared. I can’t seem to stop myself from wondering what my life would be like weeks from now, months, years. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Not a clue of what I should at least try to mold my future into.

It’s the same question that keeps on floating back up, no matter how many anchors I attach to it and pray for it to sink.

"What do you really want to do?"

And the answer is simple, “I don’t know.”

You see I’ve repeated over and over to myself to “live in the moment Mo, because this day counts more and you shouldn’t be stressing over the future. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen” but it’s not working. It forms in my brain, but it shoots out like a bullet. It leaves traces of the sentence, but not the whole itself. I only half believe it, I mean am I suppose to think it’s fully true when even the sentence itself couldn’t stay together long enough for me to process it? “Live in the moment?” See, the sentence is a lie. It’s not real, (redundant, I know) but it’s true. I mean sure, today is important, it’s the stepping stone for the future but if I live in the moment and become so blinded by what I’m doing now, how am I suppose to see the path I’m taking?

It’s like being left in the dark and the flashlight you hold can only go as far as the tip if your toes. How will you be prepared of what’s ahead? Yeah, a flashlight, no matter how expensive and bright the bulbs are won’t be able to beat the infinite darkness that lays beyond. But it should still be able to see a feet, two feet, three or four feet ahead so you know at least a general idea of what you are doing, where you’re going.

But you see, I can’t even see a feet away. The light barely reaches my toes. And the darkness scares me. So here I am, 3am and I’m wide awake, squinting my hardest to try to see just even an inch away from my toes, but the light just won’t reach it. I don’t have a general idea of what I wanna do and this scares me. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same spot for a while and I’m scared to move.

"What do you really want to do?"

The question seems easy, right?
It’s suppose to be.

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